Happy Week

As I’ve mentioned… I suffer from PMS very badly. I would like to also note that I never had PMS before I got married. hmmmmmmm…. interesting….

In college, I didn’t even really believe in PMS. I couldn’t relate at all. So many things were different in college… no responsibilities……I never worried about anything… I was so laid back…… Maybe it was so easy because I only had to ever think about myself… and I totally controlled my own life……… I had my own space. I’m thinking that even today….. if I could just live by myself, my PMS might magically go away….

Can you even imagine living alone????…….ahhhhhhhhh. I do love my husband and kids…. very much in fact…… BUT I think it would be the best of both worlds if I could be next-door neighbors with them. Two houses side by side…… How fun would it be to get a booty call from your spouse???? You could do the walk of shame afterwards…… except you wouldn’t be that ashamed. Whining kids…… “sorry I have to go now…bye!” Anyways, that just might be the relief that my family needs even more than I do FROM ME and the wrath of my PMS.

Friends…Here’s the problem …. I’m finding that as I get older my PMS is getting worse… much worse…. in length and severity. It used to last a few days… and then a week…. and now it seems that I start my PMS symptoms as soon as I ovulate… I can feel it… and I’m a bitch… starting then…. gradually progressing little by little for a full two weeks up until my period into a full-fledged psycho monster bitch goddess from hell. Then I start my period and although the cramps knock me off my feet, there is also sweet relief from the bitchiness.

Finally, there is the week after the period……… I call it My Happy Week. It’s the one week out of the month where everything falls into pure synchronicity. I am living la vida loca….. I am at my skinniest…. my skin glows…. my mood shines……I’m sparkling bright as the star of my story…and life is just fantabulous! I really need to remember to make all of my plans for that week…..My One Shining Silver Lining Happy Week.

Assignment:
Calculate your Happy Week and plan accordingly.

PMS

Today is the beginning of my descent to the dark side of the moon.  Let me explain.  Three days ago Andrea Clegg Recor was going to someday take to the roads with my soul sistas in our very own pink caravan filled with gold scarves and fancy ideas spreading good cheer and vivaciousnes.  This, I had stated in my Facebook status update anyways.

~Cut to today. ~

Today I want to hide out in a dirty brown trailer with flat tires and smoke cigarettes, kill flies and my husband too.  My bitch lines are on fire.  You know the ones…. right between the eyebrows.  I think they officially show up when one turns 30.  Remember how our parents always told us not to make funny faces because they would stay that way.  They were in fact telling the truth….even if they didn’t realize it.  My bitch lines (I refer to them as a sourpuss stamp in polite company) are showing up hard from many years of practice… I have tried to blame them on headaches, dry eyes and squinting from the sun, but we all know the truth… they are the product of brattiness, adolescent attitude, and hormonal bitchiness. So is the progression of life.
What was I saying????
Oh..only this. I have PMS.