Author Archives: leapandtwirlgirl4

Kill the Dream.

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Once upon a time there was a girl who would grow up to be a woman, a wife, a mother. She would live in a beautiful house on a lake. Flowers everywhere. Sunshiney days. She would stay at home to raise her sweet kids with their good manners in their perfectly cute outfits, their hair always in place.  She would probably run the PTA.  Her husband would come home from his successful job every night to a delightful house smelling of home cooked meals. The refrigerator would always be stocked with healthy and delicious foods.  She would create a family buzzing with love, energy, fun, smiles. There would be art projects and cuddling. Her kids would be well-behaved and adore her.  Her husband would cherish her because she was loving and kind and sexy. every day.  She would treasure her family in return because they made her happy and fulfilled….ever after.

Record scatch. LOUD GIGANTIC record scratch. Stop. Halt. Grow. Up.

I swear it’s true. I know…it’s embarrassing.  However, I am that girl who had the dream in her head…that hazy glowy cloudy vision that sits somewhere in the back of your brain as a guide to how your future will be.

Once in a while in the middle of a regular day, which, by the way, almost never includes a stocked fridge, I will be struck by the thought.  I’m divorced. WHAT!?  There must be some mistake. To be in that category is completely outside of my vision.   I try to place myself there and it feels humorous.  My mental picture of what “divorced” looked like was a group of men and women who smoked and went to bars and let their kids do whatever they wanted.  They were the people who could never really get it together.  They were not me. Definitely not me.  Please don’t judge me on my judgment.  I promise that I never consciously opined about divorcees.  It was just a stereotype unconsciously floating around in my brain that I now happen to be able to conjure up as I find myself puzzled at my position in the world.

When I disengage from my tortured mind and preconceived ideas, and step back into reality, I reflect on my situation in a different way.  Here I am. Kinda brazen. I am excited about my possibilities, grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, happy about my evolution. Proud. Sometimes i can even feel a bit over-proud.  Something like a Divorced Superiority Complex.  Feeling sorry for the ones that are lacking passion and connection in their marriages. The ones who are settling.  What I noticed is that the only time divorce really really really really hurts is when the dream of my life as it was supposed to be flashes through my body and spears my heart.

I was discussing how life was “supposed to be” with my sister one day as sisters do.  She told me how she had recently faced this head on.  She had written in her journal about everything that she ever thought she wanted, wished, and fancied her grown up life to be.  She then analyzed which were unrealistic expectations and decided to kill them off.  She had a mental funeral for every single vision of sugar plums.   She immediately felt happier and lighter to be free from the fairy tale trance. Brilliance!

The truth about my life right now is that it is completely different than I imagined.  I rent a tiny house and my backyard always seems to look trashy.  I don’t like to cook no matter how hard I wish I did. I can barely make it to the grocery store.  After being a stay-at-home mom, it’s now difficult to find a job to support myself.  I’m not in the PTA. In fact, I barely check homework. My kids aren’t always polite and their outfits aren’t what I had in mind.  Also, as it turns out, I’m not sexy every day.

However, as I sit and breathe in my now, I can see that I’m lucky and that the life that I have is amazing exactly as it is.  My daughters are imperfect and I love their pluckiness.  From time to time, they say things that make me know they admire me.   Their spirits are in place.  My house is adorable and easier to maintain in its tininess.  There are messy art projects on the table.  I am in love with a man who lives too far away…but he adores me and is right for me and is happy to challenge me and grow with me. I laugh every single day. even on the days that I cry. I am surrounded by friends who get me out of my house. They send me love texts and believe in me on days that I don’t believe in myself.

When I decided to kill “the dream”, I found that my life is pretty dreamy.

Journal Prompt: What dreams are you holding on to that may be holding you back?  How is your reality dreamy?

Want from your Soul

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***It’s been a year since I’ve updated my blog. I’m not going to explain. Here I am again.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT

All I want is to live in a cozy little charming darling of a house. Nothing big and fancy I tell you! I want to walk in the sunshine. everday. but I will settle for ALMOST every day.   I want to ride my bike in the wind. The warm wind. I want to wear sundresses and boots and fancy sparkly thingies in my hair. I want to do yoga and breathe in the goodness of each day.  I want to eat popsicles and write in my journal. I want to live in the light. I want to glow with goodness. Be inspired. Love my truth. I want to pay my bills by candlelight with a carefree soul. I want to cook while listening to music and drinking wine. I want to wake up early. and like it. I want to take photographs just after dawn. I want to share a sunrise on a beach with a special someone. I want a pure heart and a fresh mimosa. I want to trust my instincts. I want to be in touch with my soul. I want lots of nature. a vibrant downtown. a piece of beach. I want peace. Within. and out. I want a GRITTY life with texture and meaning. I want to bask in the sunshine. I want to gaze at the clouds. I want romance and sex. both raw and rich. I want a manicured lawn with a touch of wildflower. I want a garden gate. I want simplicity, beauty, art and books. I want to raise freethinking daughters and bask quietly in their lives as they reach forward to their own destinations while I let go of mine. and just…be free.

Hey you guys! Do you know what you want? What speaks to your soul? The first step towards a happy life is knowing what exactly makes you happy.  Recognize what lights you up…aim to experience more of it…and savor each moment.

The Energy of Being Real

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Following is an excerpt from a daily book I’ve been reading this year; The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo.  It is filled with rich and poetic words, ideas, and thoughts to encourage having the life you want by being present to the life you have.  This particular excerpt struck me and I had to share, as I’m constantly on a quest toward self-actualization, authenticity being top priority.  These words make me draw back and relax with the realization that we can stop pushing so hard and just BE REAL.

“”Mana” is a term originally used in Polynesian and Melanesian cultures to describe an extraordinary power or force residing in a person or an object, a sort of spiritual electricity that charges anyone who touches it. Carl Jung later defined the term as “the unconscious influence of one being on another.”

What Jung speaks to is the fact that the energy of being real has more power than outright persuasion, debate, or force of will.  He suggests that being who we are always releases an extraordinary power that, without intent or design, affects the people who come in contact with such realness.

The beautiful and simple truth of this can be seen in looking at the sun.  The sun, without intent or will or plan or sense of principle, just shines, thoroughly and constantly.  By being itself, the sun warms with its light, never withholding or warming only certain things of the Earth. Rather, the sun emanates in all directions all the time, and things grow.  In the same way, when we are authentic, expressing our warmth and light in all directions, we cause things around us to grow.  When our souls like little suns express the light of who we are, we emanate what Jesus called love and what Buddha called compassion, and the roots of community lengthen.

In this way, without any intent to shape others, we simply have to be authentic, and a sense of mana, of spiritual light and warmth, will emanate from our very souls, causing others to grow – not toward us, but toward the light that moves through us.  In this way, by being who we are, we not only experience life in all its vitality, but, quite innocently and without design, we help others be more thoroughly themselves.  In being real, in staying devoted to this energy of realness, we help each other grow toward the one vital light.”

It’s Always the Ones You Least Expect

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Honestly! I don’t want to turn this into a Divorce blog because in truth, I’m experiencing a completely fulfilling lovefest with a very special man.  AND that’s a whole other subject which I will keep safe and close to my heart for now.

BUT……….

A friend sent me a lovely email sending me support. He expressed sympathy for the loss of my marriage, and encouragement for the beginning of my new life. This is a nice example of a friend simply putting their arm around my shoulder and accompanying me on my path. (I am lucky to have a LOT of friends like this)  Anyways, included in this email was a song about divorce.  It moves me….so I want to share it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7aGcocZgjkg

Beauty in the Shadows

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Again, I’m so remiss with writing.   I have mountains of words and feelings inside my brain and heart…but I haven’t allowed myself to unleash them out into the world.  It seems kind of dangerous…and also tiring.

A few things you should know.

Going through a divorce is fucking hard. It’s interesting. It’s enlightening. It’s painful. Literally, your insides hurt.  They hurt like someone is using your innards as one of those balls that you squeeze in the palm of your hand to relieve stress.  My heart and stomach and chest and throat feel like that stress ball…..all squeezy and beat up.  It also feels like the world is using your soul as a bouncing ball….over and over hitting the pavement.  Each new hurdle..conundrum…judgment…just another smackdown against the cold hard cement…then bouncing up again. It’s the law of gravity.

You’ll never understand what it feels like to go through a divorce…until you do.  Period…….just like one never understands the intensity and heartache of being a parent or experiencing the death of a loved one…until they feel it entirely and completely through their own experience.

You won’t understand unless/until you are going through a divorce yourself…….   the strength you need to wake up every day and be there for your kids as only half of the team that used to be, protect them from the pain, wonder if your daily decisions are enough, feeling that you were the first person in the world to break their hearts…..all the while putting on a brave face, taking deep breaths, hiding your tears, swallowing the lump in your throat.  You think of your wonderful plans and intentions when you brought these babies into the world…and how you could never have predicted something like this.  However, things change. Being a grownup sometimes doesn’t make sense.   It’s tiring. all this.

You wouldn’t understand unless you’ve been through a divorce what it feels like to experience “support” which is really sugarcoated opinion, unwanted advice and judgment.  A. WHOLE. LOT. OF. JUDGMENT. People like to tell you what you should be doing and shouldn’t be doing and how long to wait to do this or that. or sometimes they like to NOT tell you…but what they are not saying combined with their body language and the not-so-subtle hinting, goes a long way to telling you everything. and it’s hurtful.

You might not understand how it feels to be moving onward and forward with different plans,  relationships and romance….and excited about your new beginnings….when your friends and family haven’t caught up to you yet. and some of them are too concerned with the rules written out by “experts” about these kinds of things rather than putting their arm around your shoulder and just accompanying you on the path that you’ve chosen….the one that makes you abundantly happy.

You’ll never grasp the magnitude of emotions involved in a divorce….. how one can feel the saddest they’ve ever felt in their whole entire life….. but also be verging on the happiest…..how one can be on the shakiest of grounds…scariest of places…..but feel rock solid in their core.….broken open to expose light and evolution within.

You won’t understand unless you have been through a divorce that you are learning about yourself in a way that wasn’t available to you before…when you were caught up in rote, roles, familiarity, and societal expectations.  You have reached a breaking point that allows you to challenge yourself, your history, your beliefs, and everyone else around you.  You might not understand that going through a divorce allows seeing others for who they really are and evaluating whether they are worth keeping in your life as well…… divorce begets wanting to divorce all the people in your life who aren’t raising you up.

You might not get it…… how excruciatingly lucky you are that your life plans have shattered like the broken glass of a large mirror…falling to the floor, sharp and hurtful.  As  you start to put the pieces back together…you see how clear and beautiful the damage is as the light reflects back your own beauty, sparkling in a way that wouldn’t be the same if it was kept intact, unremarkable.

As I spend time alone, as I start a new relationship, as I go out with my friends, as I spend time with my daughters, as I facilitate workshops for girls, as I travel and party and love and hate and act wild and crazy, as i pose for photos, as i laugh and smile, as I retreat, as I pull away from my friends, as I cry, as I struggle for financial stability, as I plan a new career path, as I do all of these things…. I am just me. Feeling my feelings. Being sad. Being happy.  Experiencing the process. Learning my lessons. Challenging my belief system. Changing. Growing. Knowing that the universe has brought me to this place in order to expand my heart and soul and watch me develop and offer my unique gifts to my daughters, my friends, my family, my lover, my world, myself.

I’m certainly not trying to pretend that divorce is wonderful..and I don’t want to give the impression that it’s the worst thing in the world.  Divorce is just everything. It is letting go and holding on… for dear life. It is Endings and Beginnings. All at one time. Magnified and electrified. It does not require a celebration, nor does it require a pity party.  It only requires strength, perseverance, hope, love, and true friendship.

You would have to have been through a divorce to truly and really understand.

You will find beauty in the shadows as you focus on the light.

YOU WILL FIND BEAUTY IN THE SHADOWS AS YOU FOCUS ON THE LIGHT.

Hold On

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The other day I had dinner with some of my dearest friends.  It was the usual for us….wine, salad, whipped garlic and arabic bread, a healthy marinara dish.  We spoke of  jobs, relationships, diets.  Three of us got right into our usual analysis, the complexities of masculine versus feminine and the road to emasculation.  The other one of us who happens to embody  masculine made fun of us, playfully insulting our insight.

We bitched a little, ate a little,  laughed a little, drank a little, reflected a little.

Yes..it was an ordinary night of our usual loveliness.

and then…..

we shaved our friend’s head.

Breast cancer. Aggressive. Chemotherapy. Hair falling out.

My dear friend took off her hat, exposing her patchy head. We marveled at her beauty..still present, even without her usual thick shiny head of hair.   We pulled a stool into the bathroom.  Our “masculine” friend decided to be the shaver. (We let her as we didn’t want her to feel emasculated).  She lathered her head up and began, carefully, softly, lovingly shaving the remains of our friend’s hair.

As we watched….and talked…..sharing stories and wine.

I deliberately slowed time in my mind……I allowed myself to take it all in… this significant and important moment.  I let my soul capture the experience which was overflowing with life and love and the connection of all beings. Friendship…truth…..beauty.  I let my mind travel back in time, to when I first met my beautiful friend with her long hair, healthy lifestyle, and interesting viewpoints.  The past seems so innocent and vulnerable when seen from the future which is now the present that has brought with it life altering circumstances.

I took a mental snapshot of the scene that I was experiencing. I did not ever want to forget the image of my pretty friend….emitting more beauty and light in this tender occasion of complete exposure.  I did not ever want to forget the precious feeling of true friendship and love………I breathed it in and absorbed as much of it as I could, filling my soul with strength and the knowledge that

there is nothing in this world that can break down the pure power, the rapture, the positive vibrations and beams of love that sparkle from our souls.

We are the lucky ones…no matter our life circumstances.

If we can just hold on…to the moments….and to each other.

and then we had dessert.

…

Uncrushed

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I haven’t written in so long.   The intensity and drama and movie of my life has been filled with so much of everything..there was just too much to feel…and nothing to say.

Today I am ready to say this.

I am starting over. from scratch.  as a single mother.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

It’s scary and difficult for a girl with a chaotic mind.

yet it’s also liberating and exciting to be able to create a whole new life with different choices based on the experiences that have led me to this place in time.

If right now was five years ago…things would be easier.  Our place in the world back then, just like everyone else’s was more secure. Jobs were easier to come by…and our finances ……existed.

But it’s not five years ago. It’s now. 2011. There have been layoffs and downturns and moves and mistakes. We were once an upwardly mobile family committed to building our future, doing all the right things, dreaming bright dreams….

and NOW..

Never mind the broken hearted nonsense of tears, pain, and depression.  We who are no longer “we” are left with a whole lot of nothing to split right down the middle.

and that leaves me in a bit of a predicament.

that leaves me…..

forced to learn how to be a penny pincher

with less time to devote to my dreams

hopelessly aware of all that I took for granted

thinking of what I can sell for money….my wedding dress, my diamond ring…my kids, my body.

Shit.

BUT…

the Leap and Twirl Girl in me is aware that….

When I’m in my life…just living it..like I do..

I feel GOOD about my choices, my plans, my moments in this world, despite the loss of my marriage and the death of my idealism .

….I feel satisfied in my core because I’m following my inner voice…because I’m getting through a loss..heading into a new direction of my life which will be richer in truth and spirit.

I’m proud of me for who I am, and knowing what’s important to me, knowing what I ‘m not willing to live with, knowing that I can live… without.

I’m proud of me..facing loss and struggle to get to a more fulfilling place…when it would be so much easier to just settle for the sake of safety and security.

I’m in love with my life…my small, humble, and charming home that I fill with love, creativity and ambiance for my daughters. I have friends and loved ones who share wonderful moments, a ton of laughs, deep connections.

I’m proud of my place in the world in which I can contribute and make a difference in my community, promoting resiliency and strength, helping girls become proud of who they are and to understand that they alone, deep in their core, know exactly what’s right for them…

….a significant reminder reflectively helping heal the parts of me that are sometimes scared and unsure.

“You must meet the outer world with the inner world or existence will crush you.” ~Mark Nepo

 

Crossing the Line but Closer to Fine

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I just reread my blog from yesterday.

Oh my!  It started out so well…my India Arie Inspiration-Filled Day.

Apparently there is a fine line between a sunshine-loving, universe hugging, beautiful flower and a crazy ass bitch.   I crossed the line around noon.

The whole mission of this blog is to share positive energy and motivate women to be empowered by their best selves, to live in light and love.  Inspiration through Freedomseeking, Dreampushing, and Truthtelling.

Today I hope to inspire you with some Truthtelling:

It can be incredibly, painfully, devastatingly, overwhelmingly, impossibly difficult to live in light all the time.  Like The Indigo Girls say in my favorite song ever (Closer to Fine) ~ “darkness has a hunger that’s unsatiable and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear.”  Well, yesterday the darkness swallowed my lightness whole and then shit it out.Of course I can’t tell you the whole truth and nothing but the truth because I have to protect the privacy of my life.  Oh and also you have to wait for the book version (coming soon in all its juicy scandalous glory.)

Regardless, I send my daughters off to school each day with these words:  ”Have a good day.  Make good choices. Let your light shine through.”  Picture my singsongy voice and two middle school girls rolling their eyes of course.

So here I am once again…..beginning this day….this NEW day…..by trying to follow my own advice. I’m laundering yesterday’s shit-covered darkness and soaking my soul in light and shiny hopefulness.

Of course, it does help immensely that I’m heading to Lake Erie to create some “Soulshine” with a sista who will remind me that it’s only life after all and that every new day will take me Closer to Fine.

As I try

Inspiration India Arie

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Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  and that is an understatement.

Today is a new day.

and the universe wrapped its loving arms around me on this Monday morning.  It gave me some sunshine and then it gave my heart an itinerary for the day when I turned on the radio.  The first song.

I accepted this gift today with much gratitude. and continued on this path filling up my mind and soul and heart with more inspiration from India Arie.

So if you happen to be going through some blah-ness too…..

and lastly……..

Pay attention to the signs that are dropped into your day from the universe.  If you’re reading this… you probably needed it too.

xo

A Nun, A Hooker, and Me

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Isn’t it amazing??!! We have this one life…this one very life that we’re living. The power that we have over this one life is really quite extraordinary.  We can mold our life..this one life….and change it at any step of the way.  We have the power and the authority to make choices to completely change our life and its direction.

I was just thinking…I could very well decide to become a nun right now if I so desired.  and my life would then completely change… and my journey..my path would be so entirely different…..habits and a whole new set of sisters…

I could decide to become a hooker even. I could! I could direct myself to go down the hooker path with drugs, and darkness, and danger.  Yep. As I’m the artist of my own life…I can mold it into whatever I choose.

But then…. could I really do that?  Would that person be me still? The me that fills up my insides?   It seems like my soul would have to resonate with the choices that I make in order to move down any path.  There must be this one soul…yes of course….but a soul that likes what it likes and knows who it is and says yes when the body does things it approves of …..the soul says yes this makes me happy. Yes you are on the right track. Yes keep pushing forward in this direction because it’s where we need to go..to learn…to teach…to make a difference…and push past.

And then there’s synchronicity:  ”an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated”.

The universe seems to always butt in at the right times when your soul is going in the wrong direction. For example, I bet your bottom dollars that if I tried to become a nun, I would go through nun college or whatever it is that you do to become a nun..and the teacher would just so happen to be a hot priest questioning his own path…and he would just so happen to be the man of my dreams and we would run away together throwing our habit and collar behind us.  I’m picturing us running toward a sunset. Yep. I am..

And then if I decided to go the hooker route….high-class of course. I bet I would be on my way to my very first appointment and I would be wearing those clear uber high hooker shoes…and I would fall and break my neck. Then I would probably be rushed to the hospital where I would reside for a few weeks or months or however long it takes to heal a broken neck and I would talk to my favorite nurse every day who would tell me that I have a very powerful story to tell and that I should write a book…and she would just so happen to be best friends with a publisher who was very interested to hear my story.  and then I would be famous. The would-be hooker that broke her neck because it was written in the stars for her to be a famous author. Yepppp…..

and what was my point anyways?

We can mold our life like artists using clay to create change. and then the universe will butt in and sweet synchronicity will take you to where you are meant to go.

The end.