Monthly Archives: February 2011

Hold On

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The other day I had dinner with some of my dearest friends.  It was the usual for us….wine, salad, whipped garlic and arabic bread, a healthy marinara dish.  We spoke of  jobs, relationships, diets.  Three of us got right into our usual analysis, the complexities of masculine versus feminine and the road to emasculation.  The other one of us who happens to embody  masculine made fun of us, playfully insulting our insight.

We bitched a little, ate a little,  laughed a little, drank a little, reflected a little.

Yes..it was an ordinary night of our usual loveliness.

and then…..

we shaved our friend’s head.

Breast cancer. Aggressive. Chemotherapy. Hair falling out.

My dear friend took off her hat, exposing her patchy head. We marveled at her beauty..still present, even without her usual thick shiny head of hair.   We pulled a stool into the bathroom.  Our “masculine” friend decided to be the shaver. (We let her as we didn’t want her to feel emasculated).  She lathered her head up and began, carefully, softly, lovingly shaving the remains of our friend’s hair.

As we watched….and talked…..sharing stories and wine.

I deliberately slowed time in my mind……I allowed myself to take it all in… this significant and important moment.  I let my soul capture the experience which was overflowing with life and love and the connection of all beings. Friendship…truth…..beauty.  I let my mind travel back in time, to when I first met my beautiful friend with her long hair, healthy lifestyle, and interesting viewpoints.  The past seems so innocent and vulnerable when seen from the future which is now the present that has brought with it life altering circumstances.

I took a mental snapshot of the scene that I was experiencing. I did not ever want to forget the image of my pretty friend….emitting more beauty and light in this tender occasion of complete exposure.  I did not ever want to forget the precious feeling of true friendship and love………I breathed it in and absorbed as much of it as I could, filling my soul with strength and the knowledge that

there is nothing in this world that can break down the pure power, the rapture, the positive vibrations and beams of love that sparkle from our souls.

We are the lucky ones…no matter our life circumstances.

If we can just hold on…to the moments….and to each other.

and then we had dessert.

…

Uncrushed

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I haven’t written in so long.   The intensity and drama and movie of my life has been filled with so much of everything..there was just too much to feel…and nothing to say.

Today I am ready to say this.

I am starting over. from scratch.  as a single mother.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself.

It’s scary and difficult for a girl with a chaotic mind.

yet it’s also liberating and exciting to be able to create a whole new life with different choices based on the experiences that have led me to this place in time.

If right now was five years ago…things would be easier.  Our place in the world back then, just like everyone else’s was more secure. Jobs were easier to come by…and our finances ……existed.

But it’s not five years ago. It’s now. 2011. There have been layoffs and downturns and moves and mistakes. We were once an upwardly mobile family committed to building our future, doing all the right things, dreaming bright dreams….

and NOW..

Never mind the broken hearted nonsense of tears, pain, and depression.  We who are no longer “we” are left with a whole lot of nothing to split right down the middle.

and that leaves me in a bit of a predicament.

that leaves me…..

forced to learn how to be a penny pincher

with less time to devote to my dreams

hopelessly aware of all that I took for granted

thinking of what I can sell for money….my wedding dress, my diamond ring…my kids, my body.

Shit.

BUT…

the Leap and Twirl Girl in me is aware that….

When I’m in my life…just living it..like I do..

I feel GOOD about my choices, my plans, my moments in this world, despite the loss of my marriage and the death of my idealism .

….I feel satisfied in my core because I’m following my inner voice…because I’m getting through a loss..heading into a new direction of my life which will be richer in truth and spirit.

I’m proud of me for who I am, and knowing what’s important to me, knowing what I ‘m not willing to live with, knowing that I can live… without.

I’m proud of me..facing loss and struggle to get to a more fulfilling place…when it would be so much easier to just settle for the sake of safety and security.

I’m in love with my life…my small, humble, and charming home that I fill with love, creativity and ambiance for my daughters. I have friends and loved ones who share wonderful moments, a ton of laughs, deep connections.

I’m proud of my place in the world in which I can contribute and make a difference in my community, promoting resiliency and strength, helping girls become proud of who they are and to understand that they alone, deep in their core, know exactly what’s right for them…

….a significant reminder reflectively helping heal the parts of me that are sometimes scared and unsure.

“You must meet the outer world with the inner world or existence will crush you.” ~Mark Nepo