Divorce and Magic

I’m getting divorced. It’s every bit as hard as everyone always says. Where once I was filled with life…I am now battling fear and anxiety.  So I’ve not been able to offer much inspiration lately. When I think about writing, I get scared…scared of what will come out….Scared of feeling my feelings any more than I have to. 

There have been very bad days…days where I’m stewing in toxic feelings of hate and anger…which produces a very mean Andrea…..The kind of me that turns passion into rage and engages in viciousness. Violent eruptions..oh yes…they only feel good for a moment.  Verbalizing my intentions of casting a spell on my soon-to-be ex-husband to eternal erectile dysfunction also doesn’t relieve the awful feelings I am frought with.  This only leads to questions about my sanity.  Worry not…these days, they have pills for all of this.

When exhausted from my bout with hate, I question where these feelings could take me…so very far away from who I am… who I wish to be…  I take a deep breath and find it in me to recover the power that I know I have…..the power over my own sweet self….for I have superpowers of optimism, hope, and gratitude.  

It also helps that I really do have a magic wand.  My sweet soul sista Gypsy bought it for me as I embark on a totally new beginning….to help create a new enchanting life. This beautiful magic wand is hanging up next to my bed to remind me that I have a magical solution to any difficult problem.  The power is within me..and I believe that with all of my heart.

So..armed with my magic wand, I get back in touch with those superpowers of optimism, hope, and gratitude. I put my favorite pajamas on…sweet and sexy. I light my candles for peace and serenity.  I find my meditation music to relax my mind, body, and spirit. I spray my sheets with a beautiful scent. I get into bed with my favorite healing books.  Then I take responsibility for my part in creating the space in life where I find myself (Thank you to Louise Hay and one of my favorite books: You Can Heal Your Life)……because I know that when I nurture myself and pamper my tender heart… it will allow me to live in light and love…and that’s where the magic is.

Lucky Doesn’t Mean Not Sad

Many years ago, after winning big at a casino in Monaco, one of my dearest friends and fellow European adventurists, Holly, declared

That I had a horseshoe up my ass.  

That everything always goes right for me.  

That I’m one LUCKY motherfucker.  

It’s true, I had never even been to a casino before and on my second try at the slot machines, I was a winner.  The lights started flashing and the clinging and clanging of money falling falling falling into the dispenser gave me a huge rush.  I can see how people get addicted to gambling….because winning sounds good and feels even better. 

However lucky…..

It doesn’t mean that I’m not sad sometimes.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience pain and hurt.

It doesn’t mean that I’m always happy.

It doesn’t mean that I’m always strong.

It doesn’t mean that I always win.

 

Lucky means….

That I get to be me.

That I can celebrate my imperfections

That I have so much love in my life.

That I can let my light shine through.

That I can embrace my pain and let it show me a lesson or two.

That I can love life and let it love me right back.

Life is like that casino and the choices that we make are each somewhat of a gamble.  We are all just hoping to experience the clinging clanging of  happiness and feel the rush of winning.  However, I know that when I’m experiencing a loss, I will always remind myself of that horeshoe up my ass.  Even when it’s difficult and I have to try and see it through some tears. 

Yes, I choose to be one lucky motherfucker and thus it is so.